im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
