im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We are all done wearing pants today
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
