I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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