OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
