I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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