So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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