I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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