The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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