How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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