I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
