everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
