Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
