Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
