All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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