if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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