god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
