woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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