She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
