I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
