Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
