A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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