Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
