too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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