I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
