were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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