Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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