he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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