I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
