Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
