ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
