I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
