i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
