The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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