Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
