new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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