Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
