I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
