Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
