you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
