The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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