my mouth tastes like poor choices
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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