I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
