You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
