yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I checked into jail on foursquare
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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