just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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