It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
