it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
