The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
