We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
