just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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