if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
