dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
