i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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