So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
